I accidentally had phone sex last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
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He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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