this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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