I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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