The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
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You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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