How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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