she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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