just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
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I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Enjoy the penises
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize