Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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