The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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