It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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