I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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