is your mom at the bar?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize