I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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