Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
