I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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