When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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