In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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