I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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