between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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