I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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