dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i have two assholes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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