There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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