We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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