I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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