Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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