I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
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Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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