If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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