your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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