I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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