my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize