How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this beer tastes like vomit already
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize