Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize