My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize