Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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