Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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