"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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