How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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