So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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