If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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