I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook's as public as her vagina
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize