She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have tasted many bathrooms
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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