apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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