I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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