When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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