you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize