i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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