i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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