herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
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At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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