Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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