sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
